Well, here I am writing this mid-February 2026, didn't plan to open this doc but I feel like if I don't document this phase now, I'll forget how it actually felt.

January was goated. I don't care what my bank account says.

Yeah, expenses went to the moon. If someone looked at my transaction history without context they'd think I lost my mind. But it wasn't random. It wasn't me spiraling or coping. It was me enjoying what I worked for. 2025 I grinded hard. Not just money, but mentally, academically, spiritually, emotionally. I said no to comfort so many times. I stacked when I could've spent. I stayed in when I could've gone out. I chose discipline over dopamine more times than I can count. So when January came and I had money sitting there, I felt like I earned the right to enjoy the grind. Not recklessly. Just humanly.

I hung out more. Said yes more. Tried new places. Met new friends and new seniors who actually gave me real guidance. Those conversations hit different. There's something humbling about sitting across from someone ahead of you and realizing how much you still don't know. Not in an insecure way, in a motivating way. It made me sharper. Made me rethink how I approach academics, work, life long term.

Academics didn't fall off either. 3.8 GPA secured. Not perfect, not 4.0 ego flex, but solid. Earned. I balanced it. That's the part I'm proud of. Old me would either grind so hard I forget to live or live so hard I forget to grind. January I did both.

And yeah, the love story happened. Different religion. That sentence alone says enough.

It wasn't messy. It wasn't toxic. No dramatic betrayal arc. Just two people who connected but knew the foundation wasn't aligned for the future. And that's what makes it complicated. When something ends without hate, you can't distract yourself with anger. You just have to accept reality.

But here's the growth: it didn't destroy me. It didn't derail my GPA. It didn't ruin my focus. It didn't make me question my worth. It didn't send me into emotional chaos. It hurt quietly, then it settled. I chose priorities. Faith isn't something I'm willing to compromise anymore. Not after everything in 2025, not after rebuilding that relationship with Allah, not after understanding how central it is to who I'm becoming. So I accepted it. Sometimes I still think about it. Random moments replay. But they don't control me. That's new.

February started strong too. No emotional hangover. No sad phase. Just forward motion. Meetings, tasks, plans, gym, study, work, repeat.

And about the money. Yes, I spent a lot. But I know why. It wasn't insecurity spending or flex spending or heartbreak spending. It was reward. It was me saying, "You survived 2025. You leveled up. You earned this." At the same time, I'm not blind. I know enjoyment can slowly become comfort, and comfort can slowly make you soft. So I'm watching myself. I'm aware. That's the difference. I'm not out of control. I'm conscious.

Oh, and matcha. Holy fuck, some of the matchas I got are goated. The one in BSD? Insane. And there's this hidden gem place in Bandung that I'm not telling anyone about because it's a secret and I want to keep it that way. But yeah, I'm pretty sure 40% of my expenses went to matcha. No regrets. When you find quality, you pay for quality. That's the rule.

Gym still consistent. Physique slowly improving. Not insane transformation, but visible progress. And this time it's not fueled by heartbreak. It's fueled by discipline. That feels healthier.

Friendships feel stable. Circle feels aligned. Less drama, more intention. I value that heavily now. After everything I've seen, peace in friendships feels underrated.

Oh, and I made a song today. About friendship. In a funny way, not some deep sentimental ballad. Just something that felt right to create. Bucket list item checked. First one this month actually. And honestly, I forgot I even had a bucket list to fulfill until I finished the song. But maybe that's the best way to do it. If I focused too hard on checking things off, I probably wouldn't enjoy the process. The song happened because I wanted to make it, not because I needed to cross it off a list. That feels more authentic. So yeah, bucket list exists. But I'm not forcing it. Let it come naturally.

Family still crosses my mind. Grandpa too. Grief is quieter now. It doesn't crash into me, it sits in the background. But it shaped me. It reminded me that timelines aren't guaranteed. Maybe that's another reason I allowed myself enjoy January more. Life isn't only about stacking for a future that isn't promised.

I'm ambitious. Still. Probably more than ever. But I'm less desperate. I don't feel like I'm chasing validation anymore. I'm building alignment. And that shift feels internal, not performative.

If 2025 was awakening, January 2026 was integration. Ambition and enjoyment. Faith and action. Heartbreak and clarity. Money and awareness. Social life and academics. Not perfect balance, but real balance.

Do I need to tighten up spending soon? Yes. Will I? Yes. Am I panicking? No. Because I know I can grind again. And that might be the biggest growth of all. I don't fear rebuilding anymore.

So yeah. January was goated. February is strong. Heart is stable. Mind is clearer. Faith is anchored. Ambition intact. I'm not at the finish line, but I'm not lost either. And that feels powerful.

Now what's ahead looks even more interesting.

CNY is coming up and I'm lowkey hoping angpao still finds its way to me even though I'm not going back home. Optimistic? Maybe. Realistic? We'll see.

Then Ramadhan hits. And right in the middle of that, around the 20th-ish, I have sempro. Seminar proposal. Thesis defense round one. Fasting while presenting research sounds like the ultimate discipline test, but honestly? I think the mental clarity from Ramadhan might actually help. 2025 taught me that faith and focus work better together than I ever gave them credit for. So I'm approaching this different. Not stressed. Just prepared.

After sempro, I'm taking a self-reward trip. Heading to Bekasi with Fatur. My friend, but honestly I already see him as family at this point. We're meeting new people, exploring, just existing outside the grind for a bit. It's not escapism. It's intentional rest. There's a difference now. I'm learning that rest after effort isn't laziness. It's sustainability.

And then after Eid, I'm planning to publish more entries from my phone journal. Random thoughts I wrote at 2 AM. Reflections I typed between classes. Moments I captured before they faded. They're raw. Unfiltered. But they're real. And I think they deserve a spot here too.

The arc ahead feels full but not overwhelming. Ramadhan for spiritual reset. Sempro for academic validation. Bekasi for human connection. Eid for gratitude. Then more writing to document it all.

I don't know how all of it will turn out. But I know I'm more ready than I've ever been. Not because I have all the answers. But because I trust the process now. And I trust myself to handle whatever comes.

Alright, that's the full picture for now. Current state plus what's coming. I'll be back to write the next chapter once it all unfolds. Probably at some ungodly hour again. That's just how these things go.