sempro's done.
and i finally, finally let my guard down. no more instructions. no more checkboxes. just quiet. just me.
and that's exactly when it started.
random thoughts. out of nowhere. "never in my life have i been this drained." but i'm not drained? "i'll be back soon guys, i'm just fighting for my life right now." but i'm not fighting anything? it's like my brain finally got permission to feel things and immediately went too far with it.
i've been sick. i think that's where this came from.
because when i was sick this time, it felt familiar. that same feeling from DBD. that quiet, unsettling am i okay? will i be okay? a closeness to something i can't name. my body remembered it before my brain did. and when your body pulls up a memory like that, your thoughts just... follow.
and then there's this pull. to disappear. close the apps. go quiet. stop being visible. stop being perceived. maybe not come back for a while. maybe not come back at all.
but there's still something i'm waiting for. someone, maybe. i don't know who. i don't know when. but that want is still there, quiet, stubborn, refusing to leave. and i think that's the part of me that's still holding on.
i want to talk about this to someone. i really do.
but i can't. not until i've figured it out. not until it's solved. bringing an unfinished problem to someone has never felt right to me.
so i'm writing it down instead.
no answer. no resolution.
just this.